The tenth anniversary of 9/11 has passed, and I’m filled with patriotism after watching all of the 9/11 tributes on TV. It occurred to me that I have not been the best American I can be, so today, I am going to attempt to be a good American.
First on my agenda is to spend at least six hours vegging out in front of the TV set. I’ll start with an hour of news, and regardless of how unbelievable the news is, I avow to believe everything I’m told so I can be a well-indoctrinated American. Then, a couple hours of talk shows, packed full of celebrity interviews, make-up tips and gossip. I’ll fill in the rest of the time with sitcoms, reality TV, and other mind-numbing programming. Afterwards, I’ll go out and buy everything advertised during the commercials, giving special preference to that which is made in China, while spending more money than I have, so that I’ll go deep into debt like a model American. (I must also remember to buy an American flag on a stick at my local dollar store!)
I suppose I should try to find a job after my shopping spree. I haven’t required a job for a couple of years, as I have been as self-sufficient as possible, while intentionally keeping well under the poverty level in an attempt to be exempt from taxes. Now that I’m trying to be a good American though, I should make as much money as I possibly can so that I can contribute my tax dollars to the murder of innocent people in other countries in the name of oil and power. I’ll also be contributing to all of our socialistic entitlement programs, the regulation of every aspect of American lives, bailouts, the drug war, and all other programs on which our government spends money. But if I can’t find a job immediately, I’ll do the next best thing and apply for every entitlement program that exists. If I can’t contribute to the system, I can at least take advantage of it, so that I, in essence, become the property of the State.
After I find a job, I’ll go to McDonald’s and eat a Big Mac value meal…super-sized, of course. To be a good American, I must consume at least 32 ounces of soda a day — heavily sweetened with high fructose corn syrup — along with a big family-sized box of deep-fried potatoes, two meat patties from Franken-cows, and buns made from wheat that has been stripped of its nutrition and heavily bleached to make it a nice pretty shade of white, spongy bread!
After my snack, I must go to the doctor so I can get a prescription drug for every complaint that I have…because everybody knows that a doctor’s medicine is much more reliable than God’s medicine. Just because God told us in the Bible that He gave us the herbs of the field for our health, doesn’t mean that it’s true. The fact is, to be a model American, I should probably convert to agnosticism too — or better yet, atheism! …but I don’t want to move too fast. I must take these things one step at a time.
At some point during the day, I also need to go car shopping. I’ve been riding a bicycle for the last two and a half years, so it’s time to lend my support to the oil companies again. And think of all of the other people who I’ve failed to support over the last couple of years! The insurance companies, the banks whose employees livelihoods depend on people going into debt, auto mechanics who repair and maintain the majority of America’s automobiles, the state which depends on inspection fees, the county which depends on car registration fees, the city which depends on revenue from people who speed, who fail to use their turn signals promptly, who have dirty licence plates or broken tail lights, etc.
After getting my free flu shot at the drug store, I must also find time to go grocery shopping. I need to stock my pantry with plenty of processed foods, containing lots of MSG, high fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners, and other ingredients which cannot be pronounced or understood by someone, like myself, who only has a high school education. While I’m at the store, I’ll make sure to buy plenty of soda, lots of meat, and as many microwaveable meals as my freezer can hold. If I buy any vegetables, I’ll make sure that I only stock my cart with the genetically engineered variety which have been heavily sprayed with pesticides.
There are some crazy people out there who will say that food additives and preservatives make you sick, and even cause cancer, but they are simply full of bull pucky! Those same people also say that artificial sweeteners are toxic, high fructose corn syrup causes a myriad of health conditions, and that microwave ovens cause cancer. However, I know better! Sure, these “health freaks” have thousands of studies to “prove” their point, but to be a good American, I should trust the government’s stated position over the thousands of opposing scientific studies…and besides, the government regulates every aspect of commerce, so they would never allow Americans to be sold unhealthy food, or cancer-causing appliances!
If I have the time, I’ll destroy every Ron Paul yard sign and bumper sticker I find, and replace them with any of the other candidates. It doesn’t really matter which candidate I choose, as all of them support the status quo to one degree or another. Perhaps I’ll even donate my time to the Barack Obama campaign, or to Michele Bachman, Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, or one of the other clones. Anyone but Ron Paul! That man’s voting record is too perfect! He can’t be trusted! And besides, who cares about liberty and unalienable rights? And we all know that we need the Federal Reserve to create an endless supply of money which isn’t backed by anything of value, and the IRS to steal our valueless money away from us. How else could we afford to kill innocent people for their oil?
Throughout the day, as I’m out and about, I’ll listen carefully to all conversations within hearing range. I’ll make sure that if I hear anyone say anything negative about the government, the President, the media’s pet 2012 candidates, the IRS, the Federal Reserve, the Patriot Act or our diminishing rights, I’ll do my duty and accuse them of being a conspiracy theorist — and I’ll report them to Homeland Security.
To end my day, I will stand before my American flag on a stick, which was made in China, and pledge my allegiance to it. They say that a man can only serve one master — and just as a man only has one soul, and just as there can only be one truth, a man also only has one allegiance to give — but after converting to agnosticism, I can honestly pledge allegiance to my flag on a stick, which represents a Republic which no longer exists.
After taking my oath to the stars and stripes, I shall take off my sheep suit and go to bed.
Copyright 2011, by Vicki Robison