Bin Laden: What are we supposed to believe? The Herd will tell us! (Satire)

Posted on May 9, 2011

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 SATIRE

Announcer:  It’s Monday, May 9!  Coming up on a whole new ‘Herd’:  The ladies discuss the death of Osama bin Laden and try to squash outrageous conspiracy theories!  So join Blabby, Stinky, Jabby, Gabby and Elsie with a whole new episode of The Herd!

Audience:  (Applause)  

Blabby:  Thank you for tuning in to ‘The Herd’, where we talk about whatever the news is talking about so you’ll know what to think!  Then we throw in a few celebrity interviews, along with some fashion tips and a cooking segment or two, so you’ll know who you should idolize, how you should dress and what you should eat!  I’m Blabby!  (Applause)

Jabby:  And I’m Jabby!  (Applause)

Gabby:  I’m Gabby!  (Applause)

Elsie:  And I’m Elsie!  (Applause)

Blabby:  We’re sorry that Stinky couldn’t join us today, but she’s taking the day off!

Audience:  Awwwwwww!

Blabby:  We feel the same way!  We all love Stinky, and we miss her too!  But let’s get on with the show!  What are we going to talk about today?

Audience:  WHATEVER THE NEWS IS TALKING ABOUT!

Blabby:  Exactly!  And today the news is still talking about Osama bin Laden, so let’s follow their lead!  It’s been a week now since bin Laden was caught.  First we were told that he shielded himself with one of his wives, proving that he’s a big ol’ coward!  But now we’re being told that he didn’t actually shielf himself with his wife.

Jabby:  But he’s still a bad guy!

Blabby:  Exactly!  At first we were told that he was armed and fought back, but then we were informed that a few wires got crossed.  He wasn’t armed at all.

Gabby:  But he’s still a bad guy!

Blabby:  Exactly!  Then we were told that the Navy Seals asked him to surrender!  They actually gave him a chance to give up, but he didn’t!  So they shot him in the head!

Elsie:  Because he’s a bad guy!

Blabby:  Exactly!  But being a long-time investigative reporter myself, I simply wonder why they didn’t detain him for questioning.  It seems logical to me that we’d want to shake him down for intelligence information before we killed him.

Jabby:  Are you questioning the government???

Audience:  Booooooo!

Blabby:  NO!  NO, I would never do that!

Audience:  Yayyyyyyy!

Jabby:  Audience, how many of you think we should have assassinated him?

Audience:  Yayyyyyyy!

Jabby:  How many of you think we should have held him for questioning and given him a trial.

Audience:  Boooooooo!

Jabby:  See!  The people wanted it!  We can kill anyone as long as the majority agrees!  This is a democracy!

Audience:  (Cheers and applause)

Gabby:  I think it’s so amazing that Obammy was able to watch the operation in real time!   Isn’t technology wonderful!

Elsie:  Actually, there seems to be more crossed wires here.  Now they’re saying that they didn’t actually see it.

Gabby:  Are you saying Obammy lied about that?

Elsie:  Oh no!  He was just a little confused!  The news is now reporting that it didn’t happen the way Obammy first told us.

Gabby:  Oh…well…  I’m sure there’s a good reason for that.  The media always tells us the truth…and so does the president!

Jabby:  Exactly!  So nobody lied!  We probably just misunderstood Obammy at first.  It could happen!

Blabby:  Well, let’s continue the story.  So then, they quickly buried him at sea, giving him a proper Muslim ceremony.  They also didn’t want to bury him on land because his burial sight would cause his followers to flock there, making him a martyr.

Gabby:  I didn’t know that burial at sea was the way the Muslims bury their dead, but if the media tells us so, it must be true!

Blabby:  However, there have been consequences.  There are people who actually don’t believe the government and think that the story smells fishy…no pun intended.

Audience:  (Laughter)

Gabby:  Blabby, you’re so funny!  Buried at sea!  Smells fishy!  (laughs uncontrollably)

Blabby:  Anyway, apparently these unpatriotic people think the government was using this explanation as an excuse so they wouldn’t have to show us the body!

Gabby:  All they have to do is show us pictures!

Jabby:  That’s right!  I’d be satisfied with pictures!

Elsie:  Me too!

Blabby:  So would I, but they’ve decided not to show the pictures to the American people because they’re too graphic.  That’s good enough for me!

Elsie:  Oh, well that’s totally understandable!

Gabby:  Yes, if they’re graphic, I don’t want to see them!

Jabby:  I agree!  We don’t need to see pictures of blood and gore!  Instead, let’s just try to believe in the government, people!

Blabby:  That’s right!  We should give our leaders the benefit of the doubt, whether they are republocrats or demopublicans!

Audience:  Yayyyyyyy!

Blabby:  But it seems that there are people who believe that bin Laden acutally died back in 2001, simply because the media was reporting that he was dying and dead.  Can you believe that?

Jabby:  That’s just rediculous!  Audience, don’t you think it’s rediculous!

Audience:  Baaaaaaa!

Jabby:  See!  The majority agrees that it’s a rediculous notion, so it must be, because this is a democracy!

Audience:  Yayyyyyyy!

Blabby:  And it seems that after 9/11, Benazir Bhutto, the former prime minister of Pakistan, said publicly that Bin Laden was was murdered by Omar Sheikh, but this opposes our government’s story, so we don’t believe it!

Jabby, Gabby & Elsie:  That’s right!

Jabby:  Where is this Benazir Bhutto now?  Can she confirm that bin Laden was murdered prior to 2011?

Blabby:  Well, she was assassinated in 2007.

Jabby:  See!  Then she can’t confirm it, so it must be a lie!

Blabby:  Well, it also seems that the an Islamic news program did an on-the-scene interview with a neigbor who witnessed the commotion of the Navy Seals, and said that bin Laden didn’t live there and none of it is true.

Jabby:  That’s clearly disinformation because it doesn’t support our government’s official story!

Blabby:  That’s right!  And it also seems that Steve Pieczenik, a former U.S. Navy Captain, the Deputy Assistant Secretary of State under Nixon, Ford and Carter, and who also worked under Reagan and Bush, Sr., has claimed that he was told by a prominent general that 9/11 was a stand down / false flag operation and that bin Laden died in 2001.  He even claims to have met bin Laden prior to 9/11 and said he was dying at that time.

Elsie:  He’s obviously a traitor!  Otherwise, he wouldn’t say such a thing!

Blabby:  Exactly!

Gabby:  I’m getting confused.  What’s the story we’ve been told to believe?

Blabby:  Bin Laden was armed, but he wasn’t!  He shielded himself with one of his wives, but he didn’t.  He was asked to surrender, but he didn’t, so he was shot in the head by our Navy Seals.  The White House watched the entire operation in real time, but they didn’t.  Bin Laden was quickly buried at sea afterwards.  The government was going to provide pictures, proving that bin Laden is dead, but now they’re not. 

Gabby:  Thanks Blabby!  Then that’s exactly what I believe!

Blabby:  And remember, just because bin Laden was dying from kidney failure back in 1998 to 2001 due to having been poisoned during an assassination attempt, and just because Pakistan’s president Musharraf thought he was dead, and just because reporters agreed that he was either sick or dead, and just because Benazir Bhutto, the former prime minister of Pakistan, serving two terms, claimed that bin Laden was murdered, and just because Pieczenik affirms that he died in 2001, doesn’t mean that any of it is true.  If the government doesn’t agree, then it’s not true!  If the media isn’t reporting it NOW, then it’s not true!

Jabby:  I agree!  Audience, do you agree?

Audience:  (Applause and cheers)

Blabby:  Well, that’s settled!  The majority has voted, and we agree!  America, don’t buy into these outrageous conspiracy theories because conspiracies never happen, unless it’s some other country’s government!  It’s time to end our show for the day, but we’ll be back tomorrow with more information that you should believe.  Until then, take a little time to follow the herd! 

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