The Nine Lives and Deaths of Osama bin Laden (Satire)

Posted on May 4, 2011




“The Nine Lives and
Deaths of Osama bin Laden”
(A series of fictional interviews)
by Vicki Robison

December 26, 2001

Sheep Pee News:  I’d like to welcome to our show, Ms. Ima Pawn.  Ima is a Washington D.C. press officer and political consultant.  Welcome, Ms. Pawn.

Ima Pawn:  Thank you very much!

SPN:  Ima, it was reported by Fox News today that Osama bin Laden died a peaceful death due to an untreated lung complication.

IP:  Yes, this is true.

SPN:  So Osama bin Laden is dead?

IP:  No, I didn’t say that.  It is true that bin Laden’s death was reported by Fox News.

SPN:  Does the president plan to make an official statement?

IP:  We need to weigh the pros and cons of making such a statement first.  Once the U.S. Government makes this official, then we have to admit that bin Laden is dead which would ruin our plans to wage war in the middle east and stay there indefinitely.  So we are taking the position that Osama bin Laden is alive and well.

SPN:  You’re taking the position?  Doesn’t the government even intend to investigate the matter?

IP:  No, not really.

SPN:  So, you’re just going to let this fade away?

IP:  If we don’t make a big deal about it, the people will forget all about it.  Then we can claim that he was spotted somewhere, or claim to have received a video tape or an official statement from bin Laden, and he’ll be alive again!

SPN:  You know we’re on the air, right?

IP:  Oh, ummmm…, the fact is, Osama bin Laden is not dead!  He’s still alive!  We’ll soon be  making a video tape to prove it!

SPN:  Making?

IP:  I meant releasing!  Releasing!  We’re expecting the FedEx man to show up any day now with a video tape from Afghanistan.  That’ll prove bin Laden is still alive!

~ ~ ~

January 18, 2002

Sheep Pee News:  I’d like to welcome, again, Ms. Ima Pawn to the show.  Ima, it has been announced that Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf has said, in reference to bin Laden, “I think now, frankly, he is dead.”

Ima Pawn:  Yes, we heard the same thing.

SPN:  Is the president now ready to make an official statement?

IP:  Well, it would be a little silly to do so, don’t you think?  Musharraf did say “I think.”  We can’t make an official statement of bin Laden’s death based on “I think!” 

SPN:  And how about the Fox news report in December which claimed that bin Laden was dead?

IP:  Didn’t you get the video tape?

SPN:  Actually, I did–but frankly, the acting credits at the end kind of threw me off. 

IP:  Well, it would seem that that was just somebody’s idea of a joke.

~ ~ ~

October, 2002

Sheep Pee News:  Ms. Ima Pawn is back with us today to discuss the latest report of the death of Osama bin Laden.  Ms. Pawn, it has been reported that Afghan President Hamid Karzai told CNN, “I would come to believe that [bin Laden] probably is dead.”  What do you have to say about that?

Ima Pawn:  Musharraf said “I think” bin Laden is dead.  Karzai claims that he believes that bin Laden is probably dead.  We choose to ignore these statements of opinion until they can be proven.

SPN:  And the Fox report from last year?

IP:  The last two announcements of bin Laden’s death should be proof that he didn’t die in December of 2001!  A person can’t die three times, can  he?

SPN:  So you believe that one of those three reports is true?

IP:  We do not wish to comment on the matter at this time.

~ ~ ~

September, 2006: 

Sheep Pee News:  It’s been nearly four years since Ms. Ima Pawn has appeared as a guest on our show to discuss the bin Laden deaths.  We’d like to welcome her back to this forum.  Ms. Pawn, it has been reported that French intelligence has leaked a report suggesting Osama had died in Pakistan.  Is the president now ready to make a statement?

Ima Pawn:  The key word here is “suggesting.”  He must be completely and unquestionably dead before the president will make such a statement.  When bin Laden is 100% dead, without a question, then — and only then — will the president make a statement.

SPN:  Does the government still believe that if bin Laden is dead, the people will insist that our troops must be brought back home immediately?

IP:  Don’t even suggest such a thing!

SPN:  On March 29th, Dick Cheney, in an interview with Tony Snow, said, “we’ve never made the case, or argued the case that somehow Osama bin Laden was directly involved in 9/11. That evidence has never been forthcoming.”  One would assume that the Vice President of the United State and a member of PNAC should know what he’s talking about–so why do we even care about Osama bin Laden if there’s no real case against him?

IP:  We can’t give up now! 

SPN:  But Dick Cheney said….

IP:  Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!

~ ~ ~

November 2, 2007

Sheep Pee News:  Welcome back to our show Ms. Pawn.  Today former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto told Al-Jazeera’s David Frost that Omar Shikh had killed Osama bin Laden.  Can the American people now expect an official statement from the U.S. government?

Ima Pawn:  Well, it’s all just hearsay, isn’t it?  Until the U.S. military kills bin Laden, he’s not really dead!

SPN:  Are you saying that even if bin Laden really is dead, we’re not going to make it official until we can link it with a story that our military carried out the action?

IP:  Once the U.S. Government makes it official, then the facts cannot be denied!

~ ~ ~

March, 2009

Sheep Pee News:  Hello again Ms. Pawn, and welcome back!  

Ima Pawn:  I’m always happy to appear on your show to set the record straight!

SPN:  Good!  Then let’s get right to business!  Angelo Codevilla, a former U.S. foreign intelligence officer and professor of international relations at Boston University, recently stated:  “All the evidence suggests Elvis Presley is more alive today than Osama Bin Laden.”  What do you have to say about that?

IP:  Evidence shmevidence!  The fact that he mentioned Elvis Presley in the same sentence as bin Laden is proof that it’s untrue.  Until the president of the United States makes an official statement, bin Laden is alive!

SPN:  But didn’t you say back in 2007 that even if bin Laden really is dead, you won’t admit it until it’s to our advantage and the credit can be given to the United States?

IP:  No, I don’t think I said that.

SPN:  I have a video tape we can review if you don’t remember.

IP:  Today we have the technology to create any believable scenario on video tape.  You could very well have had the tape digitally altered so that it looks like me and sounds like me, but I really don’t think I said that!

SPN:  I have viewers of this program who remember that show and remember you saying that!

IP:  There is no reliability in the public’s memory.  They will usually remember whatever they’re told to remember, and since you just infected them with these lies, they are very likely to believe they actually remember those lies coming out of my mouth.  I officially declare that I did not say that!  Now that it’s official, I obviously didn’t say it.  End of argument!

~ ~ ~

May, 2009

Sheep Pee News:  Welcome back Ms. Pawn!  Pakastani President Asif Ali Zardari confirmed that his “counterparts in the American intelligence agencies” hadn’t heard anything from Bin Laden in seven years and confirmed “I don’t think he’s alive.”  Does the U.S. Government agree with this deduction?

Ima Pawn:  Again with the “thinks.”  When bin Laden dies, you’ll know it because the president will make an official statement, proving that it’s true!  We won’t give up our search for bin Laden until he’s dead!

SPN:  But haven’t we already given up searching for him?

IP:  Just because we’re not actively pursuing bin Laden doesn’t mean that we’ve given up actively pursuing him!

SPN:  That doesn’t really make sense Ms. Pawn.  Would you care to clarify?

IP:  We’re simply taking an active pursual break.

SPN:  Although I’ve asked you this before, I’ll ask again…  If one of the eight reports of bin Laden’s death is true and bin Laden really is dead, how will the U.S. military do the job?  you can’t really kill a man who’s already dead.

IP:  You underestimate the United States military!

SPN:  Are you saying that the U.S. military has the power to bring a dead man to life in order to kill him?

IP:  I’m saying that the United States has the best technology at their disposal and can do anything they set their mind to do!

SPN:  So if bin Laden is dead, we’ll find a way to kill him anyway?

IP:  Exactly!

~ ~ ~

May 1, 2011

Sheep Pee News:  Well Ms. Pawn, it seems that the death of bin Laden is finally official.  Am I correct in assuming this?

Ima Pawn:  Most definitely!  The U.S. military killed him with a shot to the head and the President announced it in prime time.  These two facts make the news legitimate.  I’d also like to remind the American people of the enemy’s cowardice by the use of women as human shields…..and I’d like to also remind the people that the Navy Seals were acting on Presidential orders, which makes Obama a hero.

SPN:  These constant reminders sound like a method of mind control through propaganda, Ms. Pawn?  Is the message here, “Obama good, bin Laden bad — Obama brave, bin Laden coward”?

IP:  I don’t know what you’re talking about.

SPN:  Never mind.  So I heard that while bin Laden shielded himself with one of his wives, he was given the opportunity to surrender and was shot after refusing to do so.  Why wasn’t he taken alive? 

IP:  Because he’s a bad guy, he was a coward, and he fought back! 

SPN:  But isn’t it standard procedure to interrogate after capture, and then to have the prisoner stand trial?

IP:  That’s just so old-fashioned!  We don’t do that anymore.

SPN:  So what proof do you have that it was actually bin Laden who was killed?

IP:  Proof?

SPN:  Yes, proof!  Do you have proof that the deed has been done?

IP:  Of course!  The President said so!

SPN:  I don’t think that really counts as proof Ms. Pawn.  Are you saying that the President cannot tell a lie?

IP:  Presidents don’t lie!  Anyone who thinks that a U.S. President would lie is unpatriotic and probably a terrorist!

SPN:  How about President Bush Sr.’s promise of “No new taxes”?

IP:  Well, that wasn’t exactly a lie if he believed it to be true.

SPN:  How about Clinton claiming that he didn’t have sexual relations with “that woman”?

IP:  Clinton said “that woman” without naming her specifically, so he could have been referring to any woman, couldn’t he?

SPN:  How about Obama’s promise for hope and change?

IP:  That promise was not a lie!  There has been a lot of change, and people are still hoping.

SPN:  Back to the issue of proof…  Based on the fact that there are eight other claims of bin Laden’s death, and based on the fact that the body was quickly buried at sea, people will want proof.  Does the government have such proof?

IP:  We have his DNA!

SPN:  And how will We, the People know that it is in fact the DNA of Osama bin Laden?  And how will we know that the DNA that it’s compared to belonged to bin Laden?

IP:  Because we intend to say so!  And the DNA results will have bin Laden’s name on it!

SPN:  Are there any pictures or videos that will be released?

IP:  We always accommodate the American People when they yell loud enough!  So if the people want photographic proof, we’ll give it to them, just as Obama presented his short form and long form birth certificates after constant demands from the birthers and that crazy man, Donald Trump!

SPN:  In a past interview you stated, “When bin Laden is 100% dead, without a question, then — and only then — will the president make a statement.”  Yet the media is reporting that we are 99% sure that it was bin Laden.  Does that make a difference?

IP:  No, the only time 1% makes a difference is between 50% and 51% — otherwise, it’s of no concern. 

SPN:  In a past interview you also denied having said that even if bin Laden is already dead, the government won’t admit it until it’s to their advantage.  After I offered to show you the tape, you insisted that I could have doctored the tape to make it look like you said anything.  Isn’t that also true of any photos or videos that may be presented by the U.S. government?

IP:  The U.S. government would never fake such a thing!

SPN:  But it’s a fact that the government has faked such things in the past.  In 1964 the military staged an attack on one of our own ships to get us into the Vietnam war.  It’s referred to as the Gulf of Tonkin incident.  This is proof that our government has staged false flag operations in the past, so what’s to stop us from doing it now?

IP:  I was a straight-A student in high school and can tell you without a doubt that the Gulf of Tonkin incident was never mentioned in my U.S. history text-book, therefore, it never happened!

SPN:  I’m sorry to correct you Ms. Pawn, but the Gulf of Tonkin incident has been declassified and is public knowledge!

IP:  If I don’t know about it, it’s obviously not public knowledge, and therefore isn’t true!

SPN:  Other countries have performed a number of false flag, or “black flag” operations, such as the Mukden incident, the Gleiwitz incident, the Reichstag fire, etc.  Do you believe those to be true?

IP:  Of course!  If another country did it — especially if they are our enemies — it’s most definitely true!

SPN:  Have you ever heard of Operation Northwoods, the proposals to implicate the Cuban government in a series of hijackings and bombings followed by the presentation of phony evidence?

IP:  Who proposed it?

SPN:  The United States government.

IP:  Then it obviously is just a vicious rumor!  The U.S. Government does not deceive, and once again, I did not learn about this in high school, so it can’t be true.

SPN:  Again Ms. Pawn, it’s public knowledge…but here’s one that you can’t deny!  The Declaration of Indpendence declares that all men are created equal.  I firmly believe this, but yet the government does not seem to believe this and seems to change the rules to its advantage, depending on the situation.  Care to comment on that?

IP:  All men are created equal — they just don’t always end up that way!  That’s why we have government — to declare who is equal and who isn’t! 

SPN:  So if one of the purposes of government is to determine the equality of individuals, tell me — who is equal, and who isn’t?

IP:  If you do as the government tells you to do, if you assimilate and don’t cause any problems, if you never challenge the government or any of its decisions, if you display patriotism to your government rather than to your country, if you pay your taxes without complaint, if you support one of the two parties of power, if you don’t complain when you’re groped at the airport, if you subscribe to the modern version of the American dream and support the corporations who have more money than you’ll ever have,  and if you don’t buy into conspiracy theories against the U.S. Government, then you are equal.

SPN:  So those who do question authority and hold fast to the true meaning of liberty, who celebrate and practice civil disobedience in the name of morality, who believe in unalienable God-given rights for all mankind, who believe in the right to bear arms, free speech, the right to untaxed property, and who also believe that they own their own bodies and therefore own their labor which, if taxed, makes them a serf–what are they?  Are they also equal?

IP:  No, they are not.  They are potential terrorists, which is why we closely watch patriots in this country.  We have properly trained the majority — the equals — to laugh off conspiracy theories and to obey us as a herd of sheep.  In a nutshell, Americans are free to be free as long as they subscribe to the U.S. Government’s definition of freedom.  Such radical ideas as self-ownership, the right to fully own property, etc., is all crazy talk and cannot be taken seriously!

SPN:  It is accepted as a philosophical truth that a man cannot serve two masters, yet the founding fathers considered God to be superior to government, therefore a man owes his obedience and his allegiance to the Creator, rather than to government.  Yet, the government expects U.S. citizens to obey them?  Can you see the conflict?

IP:  The U.S. Government accepts the philosophical truth that a man cannot serve two masters.  That is why we have replaced Creationism with evolution in schools.  One must not believe anything that is not provable, and since we have no proof of God to present to the American people, such a thing must not exist.  That makes the U.S. Government the master, and coincidence gets the credit for the creation of man.  Therefore, the conflict has been resolved!

~ ~ ~

May 4, 2011

Sheep Pee News:  Welcome back Ms. Pawn.  It is now being reported that bin Laden was unarmed.  I ask again, why was he killed?  Why wasn’t he taken alive and put on trial?

Ima Pawn:  Because he’s a bad guy!  He’s a coward!  He used a woman as a human shield!  He killed Americans on 9/11!

SPN:  Actually, it’s now being reported that he didn’t use his wife as a human shield–and need I remind you of Cheney’s admission that bin Laden was never directly linked to 9/11?

IP:  Part of being a good American is staying informed, which means that we must listen to the messages of the corporate-owned, mainstream media!  We must repeat their messages over and over again in our heads and repeat those messages as often as possible until everyone believes it!  So it doesn’t matter what the news is saying now!  It’s already in the collective mind that bin Laden was armed, that he did use his wife as a human shield, and that he did play a key part in the terror of 9/11 — and if the majority of the people believe it, it must be true because this is a democracy!

SPN:  Actually Ms. Pawn, the United States of America is supposed to be a Republic rather than a Democracy — meaning that the rights of the individual are protected before the rights of any group, and no majority can vote away the rights of any minority or even an individual’s rights.

IP:  Yeah, well, that’s the old-fashioned idea of liberty.  We believe that free people are happier when they’re controlled through excessive laws, taxes, information and lots of entertainment.  You see, when we tell the media what to report, and it, in turn, tells the people what to think, that frees up the minds of the people so that they don’t have to think very much….which gives them more time to shop and watch TV. 

SPN:  So basically, what you’re saying, is that if we give the American People bread and circuses, as the Romans did, they will tolerate anything whether they like it or not?

IP:  I’m under the impression that you consider that to be a bad thing.

SPN:  Well, yes!  You are saying that the power that the government has to control the people translates to freedom.  You might as well quote directly from George Orwell’s book 1984:  “War is peace, freedom is slavery and ignorance is strength.”  But back to bin Laden.  Shouldn’t we have taken him alive?  This would have been respectful of his right to life, and would have given him the opportunity to defend himself in a court of law.

IP:  Osama bin Laden had no rights.  We only guarantee rights to American citizens.

SPN:  Actually, the right to life is an unalienable right, and unalienable rights apply to all mankind, everywhere.  Since bin Laden was unarmed and not a direct threat, shouldn’t we have respected that right?

IP:  In order to spare U.S. citizens from having to think too much, it’s better that they not know that they have two types of rights.  It just complicates things.  We prefer to refer to all rights as civil rights.  The use of the word unalienable implies that the government is inferior, and it also promotes the existence of a God, which is a concept we do not wish to promote — unless it’s to our advantage. 

SPN:  Well Ms. Pawn, we are about out of time.  Anything you’d like to add before we sign off for the day?

IP:  Heil Obama!  The leader of the free world and the slayer of terrorists at home and abroad!

SPN:  I distinctly remember you heiling Bush just a few years ago.  How can you turn around and heil Obama now?

IP:  I’ll heil anyone they tell me to heil because I’m free and equal!

SPN:  Tune in tomorrow when we’ll have a TSA agent as our guest, instructing us all how to be properly violated at the airport.  Good night!