Sheep Pee: “New TSA Security measures coming soon!” (Satire)

Posted on July 11, 2011

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Terrorists may surgically implant explosive devices!
New TSA security measures coming soon!
By Vicki Robison

A few days ago the mainstream media reported another terrorist tactic, dreamt up by the government.

First we had the hi-jacking-variety of terrorists.  Airport security dealt with this problem by making sure we weren’t carrying box cutters, lighters, plastic knives, paper clips, toy hammers, or other types of weapons.  (But you could carry matches, because match fires aren’t as dangerous as lighter fires.)

Then we had the government-created shoe bomber, which resulted in airline passengers having to take off their shoes before boarding.

Then we had the government-created underwear bomber and the hypothesis that women with breast implants could be carrying explosives in their mock mammaries, which resulted in airline passengers having to be radiated by the naked-body scanners, or if one chose not to comply, the TSA would arrange to have the passenger molested.

And now, the government has created a new kind of terrorist, because we simply weren’t being radiated and groped enough as it was!  Now, the government has dreamt up the possibility that people (i.e. “terrorists”) could be implanting explosive devices in their bodies to perform acts of terror.  (Although the remainder of this article is satirical in nature, rest assured that I didn’t make up this story!  It was reported by USA Today, FOX, CNN and other sources.)

Using the standard equation, “Create a Problem” + “Wait For the People to Panic” = “Present a Solution”, (more commonly referred to as “Problem, Reaction, Solution” or “The Hegelian Dialectic“) I believe that we can predict how the government will deal with this new type of terrorist, which could potentially be any one of us!!!

LIVING AUTOPSIES

A more thorough method to detect the explosive devices (as opposed to body scans) would be to submit everyone to an autopsy before boarding their flights.  For those who associate the term with death, however, we shall simply call it “exploratory surgery.”  The term “autopsy” has been given such a bad rap that the people simply wouldn’t consent to such a thing — but then again, “surgery” is also an unpleasant word.  Let’s just call it an “exploratory procedure.”

Not only will such a procedure convince the TSA that you’re not a terrorist, it will also put your mind at ease in case you’re in doubt as to whether your doctor (or your friendly TSA agent)  may have implanted a bomb during your last procedure!

FREE CATSCANS

Or, we might just see new equipment at the TSA checkpoints.  catSCANS may replace the body scanners, giving the TSA a more thorough look into our bodies, and a less invasive alternative to the “living autopsies.”  The cost of the “Free” catSCAN will be included in your ticket price, much like the cost for “Free” government benefits is included in the missing portion of your paycheck.  For an additional fee, you might even be able to schedule a doctor consultation to interpret the TSA’s catSCAN results.

COMPLETE CAVITY CHECKS

Although cavity checks wouldn’t be a thorough way to detect explosive devices in your armpit, thigh or liver, it will at least stop you from hiding such items in your body’s little hidey-holes, including those which are seen by all, (such as mouth, ears and nostrils) as well as the more private cavities.  And men, don’t be so smug thinking that you will only be violated once!  Remember, where a catheter can go, a tiny explosive may be able to go!

REMOTE CONTROLLED DETONATORS

The most successful way to detect explosive devices in one’s body, in my opinion, would be to invent a contraption that would detonate all types of explosives, whether liquid, plastic or electronic.  Then, all the TSA has to do is to push the button and see if you explode!

If you do explode, somebody will be standing by to pick up all of your parts — which will be added to the “No Fly List”, as well as the “No Life List.”  However, if you do NOT explode, you can then step through the metal detector to eliminate the doubt that you’re a box-cutter-carrying terrorist, and then step into the body scanner which will send radiation through your body in order to eliminate the possibility that you are carrying deadly explosives in your underpants.  And of course, there’s always the option to opt out and have TSA agents grope and pinch your previously-private parts.

Whatever the TSA decides to do to combat the Belly Bombers, the Kidney Kaboomers, the Armpit Assassins and the Tonsil Terrorists, rest assured, they have already received the training to deal with this problem…..and if any additional equipment is needed, the government contract has already been signed and the equipment will soon be shipped to an airport near you.

Credit is given to Joyce Riley for the term “Belly Bombers” and the autopsy twist, as reported on The Power Hour on July 7, 2011 at about 28:15.  (Mp3 link)